Source of Personal Destruction

I'm not gonna use this anymore. I'm gonna use a different name or maybe even a different blogging site. But goodbye LJ.


Don't worry about me, I'm fine.
I've gotta new thing going for me.
New things are taking place.
I have a new life ahead, an I'm ready. If I make it through this semester, NO more school for me for awhile. Just work, for a year or so anyway.

why do i push people away, people i love etc? i don't mean too i really don't. i'm sorry for doing it. especially to you all i love the most, even if it seems i dont sometimes. 

If I live to be a hundred
And never see the seven wonders
That'll be alright
If I don't make it to the big leagues
If I never win a Grammy
I'm gonna be just fine
'Cause I know exactly who I am

I am Callie Mae's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

So when I make big mistake
When I fall flat on my face
I know I'll be alright
Should my tender heart be broken
I will cry those teardrops knowin'
I will be just fine
'Cause nothin' changes who I am

I am Callie Mae's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I'm a saint and I'm a sinner
I'm a loser, I'm a winner
I'm am steady and unstable
I am young but I'm able

I am Callie Mae's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I am Callie Mae's granddaughter
The spitting image of my father
And when the day is done
My momma's still my biggest fan
Sometimes I'm clueless and I'm clumsy
But I've got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It's all a part of me
And that's who I am

I've found my way back home
Everythings gone and changed
But me
I wanna play back
Every word and sound
To show you
I wanna real life
Till I broke away
From here
Until I feel it
I feel nothin at all

And I'm tellin you I'm sorry
Everything has changed
And I'm tellin you I'm sorry
Nothing I can do

I want my world back
I can't fix what is done
It's over
Can't you see it
All the thoughts that I have
I'm sorry
I can't remember the last time you called
I waited
Until I feel it
I feel nothing at all

And I'm telling you I'm sorry
Everthing has changed
And I'm telling you I'm sorry
I'm Sorry

I can't believe it
All the things I have missed
Can you see all the ways I've changed
I want to witness
Everything you have

And I'm telling you I'm sorry
Everything has changed
And I'm telling you I'm sorry
I'm sorry

I found my way back home
Everythings gone and changed
But me

I'm so tired of feeling like I'm being smothered by my own life. No one, NO ONE understands that I need my space sometimes too, and that I like to have my own time too. I'm tired of my friends fighting over who is going to hang out with me or who gets to go, but of some differences some people have.  I'm about to the point with everything though, that I'm about to just say forget it and go do my own thing. I'm tired of having to keep secrets. AHHH I don't know what to say anymore, or what I'm feeling even less. I'm just sick of it. 

Wow it's been a long time since I've been on here. So I guess I'll make this a brief update and maybe blog later. But for starters, me and jackass aka Josh aren't together anymore. Haven't been for almost a year. I've had the greatest relationship possible since but it ended when racing season hit and racing came out as more important. I lost a best friend, but gained a couple more. The knot under my arm is nothing unless it grows, but will always be there no matter what. Etc etc... Still no college, my financial aid keeps fucking up. 

"The angels burn inside of us..."



I'm scared that something's wrong. I have a knot under my arm, and it got sore last night and is still sore today. I've gotta make an appointment tomorrow to get it biopsied and checked out. You just don't realize how bad this is bothering me. Cancer is a common thing in my family, very common. Oh, I hope it's nothing. Maybe just a fluid they can take out. But so many weird things have been happening lately, to me. But anyway, you all, well most of you know my religious stand. So just keep me in your thoughts.  *sigh*

So I've been thinking a whole lot lately, and I've came to the conclusion that I've never had feelings this strong for anyone, ever. It's really all overwhelming. I'm just not used to it I guess, but I love every minute of it. 

Everything seems so perfect and right, I can't explain it...it's all to unexplainable. We've been talking lately about "things" --future wise-- and it's killing me not knowing "when." But I'm so excited, it's like a dream come true. Because like I said before, he's everything I've ever wanted wrapped up into one person. It's great. 

It feels like everything is made to fit together with us. Ahh its so unexplainable.  But I'm loving every minute of it. Every second of it...

There used to be someone I thought I had "strong feelings for. But these feelings make those seem like nothing, and thats what they were. And I'm so glad, that I've finally found someone who likes me for me, and puts me first. It's all so great, and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

Love you, Josh. 

♥

Have you ever felt like you had the whole world in the palm of your hand, and that you had everything you could ever want? 
Well that's exactly how I feel. I feel like right now, everthing I have ever dreamed of, everything I've ever wanted is now mine. I have the greatest boyfriend in the world, words just can't express how I feel about him. He's everything I want and have ever wanted in someone, wrapped up into one person. Everything seems so real now, and not make believe. And for once I'm not scared of what's gonna happen. I feel like everything is here to stay. An everytime I look into his eyes, I see everything. I know it may be crazy of me to say that, but it's the truth.
I have the greatest friends in the world, and wouldn't know what to do without them. I have a new car, a great family, and a steady job. It isn't the best job in the world, but it's my "bills" paid.

An unfinishable "letter" to those I love, and once cared about.

Okay, so I've been thinking lately, and I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest. For the good and/or the bad. I know sometimes I can be a bitch, and if I come off like that in some cases in this "letter," I'm sorry. But like I said I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest. So as most of you all know, Josh and me are dating now. And I'm loving it, so much. I can't remember the last time I was so happy with everything. It all seems so real this time, unlike in the past with other people. I think I could really get used it, okay so I already am, but still...I think I could get used to it for a really long time. He's everything I've ever wanted wrapped up in one package, and I like that. I like the fact he puts me first, and I've never really had that before. I love the fact that everything feels so right, and it all fits together so perfectly. Sure the Vols still rock, and Bill Clinton is waaaaay better than Dubya, but it doesnt really seem to matter. Nothing really seems to matter, when I'm with him...except him, and I like it. But moving on to other things, so much has changed for me in the last year...even since graduation. And the funny thing is it all started happening at this time last year. First Josh Fee died, and this weekend is the 1 year anniversay of that. It still seems so unreal, and to think that its been a year, wow. I think I'm make a trip up to the cemetary this week, maybe Friday, or Saturday night, after the car show. Not sure yet. But the following Monday after the Josh tragedy, I came within a second of losing my dad to congestive heart failure. When they shipped him to Knoxville they really didn't expect to see him again.  My whole world was flipped upside down, nothing mattered, nothing. I think I went like 2 weeks without a wink of sleep or a bite to eat. I just couldn't do either, and if I did it made me sick to my stomach. Then a few months past and nothing seemed to be getting better. Everything seemed so unreal, and everything I had once been, shattered into a million pieces. An I want to thank everyone that helped me during that time, and listened to me when I needed to talk. Because I couldn't talk to my best friend anymore. I  had to be strong for her, because she was the one driving when Josh died. So I just want those of you who stood by me and helped me through know how much I appreciate it. You just don't know how much that means to me. But anyway, moving on.... Nothing else really happened again until February, then I started talking to Bobby. Everything seemed so great, I was finally happy again. We started dating and all that jazz. We dated for almost 2 1/2 months, everything was so great, I was so happy. Prom was extravogant, everything was perfect, or so I thought. Then out of the blue it was all over. He didn't even tell me, he just left me a message, on Myspace to find one morning. I thought my whole world was completely over. The day after I found the message, and after trying to call all night the night before without any luck of reaching him, I got a phone call saying he was at the parking lot with some "chick." So I went, actually my mom drove and when we got out there I wouldn't get out of the car, I was to "numb" for that. Sooo my mom got out and opened his truck door, to find Ronnie and his current girlfriend, at the time. Then Bobby got out of another car with that "chick." I hated her, actually I suppose it was more, jealousy than anything. Anyway after many trips to the parking lot to see if "they" were there, and the incident of me holding a knife in my hand one day seeing them there. Him and me got back together, for like two weeks, and that "chick" became one of my best friends. We'll call her Starr now, lol. Anyway though, that was one experience I'm glad happened, it made me "stronger" in the long run. And without it I wouldn't have met Starr. Who by the way I don't know what I'd do without sometimes. She's really a great person, even though she doesn't see it sometimes, she is. Then I joined Insane Customs. Some of the greatest people on earth. Even though it's drama filled a lot, their are still some of the greatest people you could ever meet. And I want to tell them I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I had been, but sometimes I just need a break from drama. I'm not saying that, that's all IC is, I'm just saying their a few people in IC that cause a lot of highschool drama. And I don't like being in drama. And then of course I met Josh, through Summer and Starr. And I'm on top of the world again. I ♥ you. I ♥ all of my friends, and appreciate you more everyday. Callie I feel a little better now. Song: Lips of an Angel by Hinder

Okay, since the last time I wrote me and Bobby have broken up, again. But I'm okay with it this time. It hurt a lot at first, but now I'm okay with it. I talked to Billy the other day and he told me some stuff. And I think I have finally came to the conclusion I'm tired of being hurt. Josh Kinder is back now, so I think I'm gonna give it a shot. I like him a lot, and the feelings are mutual, I do believe. Or atleast thats what he says, lol. 

I found the perfect song the yesterday, as to how I feel toward everything with Bobby right now. It's the song I'm currently listening too. 

I don't know, I'm just really tired of getting hurt. It's happened way to many times in my life. 


Callie

Okay, so I haven't really wrote in here for a few days. Make that a couple weeks. Me and Bobby are now back together. I'm happy again! 

I've never been so undecribable in my life. I'm so happy that I'm back togehter with Bobby, but at the same time i'm so worried because I have so much on my mind. Not about us, just everything in general. I can't stop thinking about Josh Fee, it really doesn't seem like 10 months. I went up to the cemetary this morning before I went to work and just broke down.  I've been talking to Andy a lot lately, I really can't even begin to know how he feels. I don't wanna talk about that though. It's just the way he worded something earlier. 
I miss all my friends from highschool, especially Jerica, Emily and Nikki. Makes me realize how important my friends really are to me, and how much I love them. 
They put my granny in the hospital this afternoon. Said they were gonna keep her a couple days to run some test. She's been have breathing problems and such.

There are 27 more days till my 18th birthday. That doesn't seem real either. But I've never been happier to see it come. I'm getting a new car, but I have to wait till my birthday. Because I have to sign for it and pay for it etc.

Well I think I'm gonna go. 

Happy 4th.
 

So I don't really care who reads this. But I have to get a few things out. Okay, for starters...

Yes, I am okay. I took everything pretty hard there for a week...or 2. But I'm okay. We've been talking a little bit, and I'm okay. So you don't have to keep asking me, because I am. I do appreciate your thoughts and everything though. Love you guys.

Yes, you heard right. I am supposed to be going out with someone friday. (Tomorrow) But its me, Summer, her soon to be boyfriend Josh, and someone named Chris. That I've talked to on the internet. We aren't dating, we're all just going as friends. But technically it's a blind date. :|

Anyway...I am very open to "playing the field" right now. But no, I'm not going to start going out with someone and then keep playing. That's not me. In fact playing the field isn't me at all. I just need to know what's out there. And see what's for me.

But I think I'm gonna go. I may go out for a bit, but I'm not sure yet.

Oh, and by the way..Bobby I'm glad your happy with where your at.

I'm so confused right now. Everything seemed so perfect, but I guess I may have been wrong. I don't really know whats gonna happen next.... I know what I want to happen, but not whats gonna happen. I want things back to like they were. I know he's stressed out and everything right now, I just hope it gets better for him.

And if by chance it does have something to do with me, then I'm sorry. I truely am. And if your reading this I want you to know that I'm here for you if you need me.

Well today has pretty much ^sucked. I had to be at work asap, my night manager was being an asshole and was high. I got pretty mad at him, so I got to leave early. [Thank God] I hope Dairy Queen burns down. I love hate it!! Grr...

But anyway, onto a lighter note. 

I pretty much love Bobby to death. He just so perfect for me, it seems. I don't think I've had such strong feelings for anyone in my life. Everytime I see him or talk to him, i just melt. I can't help it, it just happens, even after knowing him for a little over 3 months. It's crazy I know. It's just all so perfect. And everyone see's it, which amazes me to the max. 

I pretty much [lurve]  ^love my life right now...and Bobby! 

2 Weeks to graduation!!!!!

"I miss you, I miss you...and I miss you  -Acceptance"


I'm so happy right now. Quite possible the happiest I've been in forever. And it's all because of one person...yep you guess it, Bobby. He makes me so happy, I didn't realize i could start falling for someone so quickly. But I am, and I like it. He is so amazing, and I feel like when he's around I don't have to worry about anything. It's quite awesome. Someone no names mentioned told me tonight that he is gonna ask me out but that's he waiting for the right time, I'm excited if that person is right. I swear I would never hurt him or do anything crazy, and I think thats vice versa. I could seriously go on and on. 

Later my hoodlums, 
Callie <3

Well, I'm pretty much excited. I finally chose the prom dress I want, and I have a prom date and all that great stuff. Makes me pretty happy.

I took the ACT today, that wasnt so much fun, lol. But I dont wanna talk about that. 

well i'm gonna go, I dont really have much to write about.

Tootles my cracker nigs...

So so so much has been going on. For starters I finally  told Bobby myself that I like him, vice versa. And yeah, that makes me pretty happy, but I wont talk about that, because I'd prolly end up writing a book. *smiles constantly* 

Anyway... I lost my class ring today. Makes me kinda mad, b/c it was so expensive. But it has 50 years insurance, so as long as I find my reciept I should be good.  BLAH that! grr...

I wasn't supposed to work today, but no one told me, so I ended up going in anway. It wasnt bad though, extra hours and no customers. Plus I got to leave early. 

But yeah I'm really tired, and can't hardly keep my eyes open so I"m gonna go. 

Tootles my cracker nigs...

February 17, 2006

 

 

 February 18, 2006

 

 

Well, I’m pretty excited for work today. I go in at 5. I have to clock in 5 minutes early though or I’ll lose some time. I had so much fun last night.

I got an email from Bobby tat 2:40 this morning. Of course I didn’t get it till later. It was really sweet, in fact ya know what I think I’m gonna copy and paste it in here.

Subject: Hey I'm sry!!!

Body:

Hey, I'm sry that i didnt get to see you today (technaically last night because its 2:40 am) yea i just walked in the door from a long but good day at work.. by the way how was work for you i hope you had a great first day i know i did lol... but whenever you find out what your work schedule holla at me i know im off Tues. Thurs. and Friday of next week... so im gonna go for now got to be up shortly to do it all again lol... so peace for now

Bobby

Aww...

Till next time....

Tootles



(this better work now, the first time it put the 17th under the 18th...if it does it again the pink writing in for the 17th and the other today)

     Well today was fun. It was my first day at Dairy Queen, but I love it. It’s sooo fun and awesome. I think it will last for quite sometime, or at least I’m hoping. Everyone is really nice and outgoing and what not. There is a lesbian who works there that was asking me about my orientation but she respects the whole me being straight thing. Bobby was supposed to stop by and see me, but I think he may have done what Summer did and looked for my car and didn’t see it so she went on. Not sure, but it’s okay.

You know what, I’m really getting in to him. He’s so awesome and sweet. I’m not use to someone being extremely sweet and extremely caring for me, not just for what they want. But I like it...A LOT. But anyway, I gotta go, I’m tired.

Till next time....

Tootles

AHHHH! I just wanna scream. 

I was maybe supposed to met someone at the Boro game tomorrow night if he doesnt have to work. But no, i had to get a job, god damnit! Hopefully I can leave early. 

Anyway, Cole Barnett really needs some prayers right now. I don't really want to talk about it right now though. He just really needs some prayer. 

Callie

Pretty much sad at the moment.