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jaded_emeralds's journal
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sick
thoughtful
infuriated cynical
scared"The angels burn inside of us..."
I'm scared that something's wrong. I have a knot under my arm, and it got sore last night and is still sore today. I've gotta make an appointment tomorrow to get it biopsied and checked out. You just don't realize how bad this is bothering me. Cancer is a common thing in my family, very common. Oh, I hope it's nothing. Maybe just a fluid they can take out. But so many weird things have been happening lately, to me. But anyway, you all, well most of you know my religious stand. So just keep me in your thoughts. *sigh*
lovedSo I've been thinking a whole lot lately, and I've came to the conclusion that I've never had feelings this strong for anyone, ever. It's really all overwhelming. I'm just not used to it I guess, but I love every minute of it.
Everything seems so perfect and right, I can't explain it...it's all to unexplainable. We've been talking lately about "things" --future wise-- and it's killing me not knowing "when." But I'm so excited, it's like a dream come true. Because like I said before, he's everything I've ever wanted wrapped up into one person. It's great.
It feels like everything is made to fit together with us. Ahh its so unexplainable. But I'm loving every minute of it. Every second of it...
There used to be someone I thought I had "strong feelings for. But these feelings make those seem like nothing, and thats what they were. And I'm so glad, that I've finally found someone who likes me for me, and puts me first. It's all so great, and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Love you, Josh.
♥
cheerfulHave you ever felt like you had the whole world in the palm of your hand, and that you had everything you could ever want?
Well that's exactly how I feel. I feel like right now, everthing I have ever dreamed of, everything I've ever wanted is now mine. I have the greatest boyfriend in the world, words just can't express how I feel about him. He's everything I want and have ever wanted in someone, wrapped up into one person. Everything seems so real now, and not make believe. And for once I'm not scared of what's gonna happen. I feel like everything is here to stay. An everytime I look into his eyes, I see everything. I know it may be crazy of me to say that, but it's the truth.
I have the greatest friends in the world, and wouldn't know what to do without them. I have a new car, a great family, and a steady job. It isn't the best job in the world, but it's my "bills" paid.
| An unfinishable "letter" to those I love, and once cared about. |
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Okay, so I've been thinking lately, and I feel like I need to get a few things off my chest. For the good and/or the bad. I know sometimes I can be a bitch, and if I come off like that in some cases in this "letter," I'm sorry. But like I said I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest. So as most of you all know, Josh and me are dating now. And I'm loving it, so much. I can't remember the last time I was so happy with everything. It all seems so real this time, unlike in the past with other people. I think I could really get used it, okay so I already am, but still...I think I could get used to it for a really long time. He's everything I've ever wanted wrapped up in one package, and I like that. I like the fact he puts me first, and I've never really had that before. I love the fact that everything feels so right, and it all fits together so perfectly. Sure the Vols still rock, and Bill Clinton is waaaaay better than Dubya, but it doesnt really seem to matter. Nothing really seems to matter, when I'm with him...except him, and I like it. But moving on to other things, so much has changed for me in the last year...even since graduation. And the funny thing is it all started happening at this time last year. First Josh Fee died, and this weekend is the 1 year anniversay of that. It still seems so unreal, and to think that its been a year, wow. I think I'm make a trip up to the cemetary this week, maybe Friday, or Saturday night, after the car show. Not sure yet. But the following Monday after the Josh tragedy, I came within a second of losing my dad to congestive heart failure. When they shipped him to Knoxville they really didn't expect to see him again. My whole world was flipped upside down, nothing mattered, nothing. I think I went like 2 weeks without a wink of sleep or a bite to eat. I just couldn't do either, and if I did it made me sick to my stomach. Then a few months past and nothing seemed to be getting better. Everything seemed so unreal, and everything I had once been, shattered into a million pieces. An I want to thank everyone that helped me during that time, and listened to me when I needed to talk. Because I couldn't talk to my best friend anymore. I had to be strong for her, because she was the one driving when Josh died. So I just want those of you who stood by me and helped me through know how much I appreciate it. You just don't know how much that means to me. But anyway, moving on.... Nothing else really happened again until February, then I started talking to Bobby. Everything seemed so great, I was finally happy again. We started dating and all that jazz. We dated for almost 2 1/2 months, everything was so great, I was so happy. Prom was extravogant, everything was perfect, or so I thought. Then out of the blue it was all over. He didn't even tell me, he just left me a message, on Myspace to find one morning. I thought my whole world was completely over. The day after I found the message, and after trying to call all night the night before without any luck of reaching him, I got a phone call saying he was at the parking lot with some "chick." So I went, actually my mom drove and when we got out there I wouldn't get out of the car, I was to "numb" for that. Sooo my mom got out and opened his truck door, to find Ronnie and his current girlfriend, at the time. Then Bobby got out of another car with that "chick." I hated her, actually I suppose it was more, jealousy than anything. Anyway after many trips to the parking lot to see if "they" were there, and the incident of me holding a knife in my hand one day seeing them there. Him and me got back together, for like two weeks, and that "chick" became one of my best friends. We'll call her Starr now, lol. Anyway though, that was one experience I'm glad happened, it made me "stronger" in the long run. And without it I wouldn't have met Starr. Who by the way I don't know what I'd do without sometimes. She's really a great person, even though she doesn't see it sometimes, she is. Then I joined Insane Customs. Some of the greatest people on earth. Even though it's drama filled a lot, their are still some of the greatest people you could ever meet. And I want to tell them I'm sorry I haven't been around as much as I had been, but sometimes I just need a break from drama. I'm not saying that, that's all IC is, I'm just saying their a few people in IC that cause a lot of highschool drama. And I don't like being in drama. And then of course I met Josh, through Summer and Starr. And I'm on top of the world again. I ♥ you. I ♥ all of my friends, and appreciate you more everyday. Callie I feel a little better now. Song: Lips of an Angel by Hinder |
